“Who’s George Snuffalopagus?”-Rachel

Title: “The One with George Stephanopoulos” (S1, E4)

Air Date: (10/13/1994)

Run Time: 22:42

I’m beginning to think, with the amount of time that the gang spends in Central Perk, that the show should have just been called Central Perk.

Because, here they are, again, only this time they’re discussing what it means to be omnipotent for the day, which would be a pretty cool thing. Chandler, the love of my life, states: “If I was omnipotent for the day, I’d make myself omnipotent forever.” Meanwhile, Joey—sweet, lovable Joey—when asked what he would do if he was omnipotent for a day is horrified because he thinks omnipotent means impotent. Although, his exchange with Ross is the greatest joke about Ross being impotent ever made, so I don’t hate it too much.

However, does anybody, besides Rachel who works in Central Perk, actually work?

Cut to Phoebe peacefully sleeping in the coffee shop, all the while Monica and Ross stare at her. Poor kid apparently didn’t sleep too well since her grandma got a new boyfriend, and gram’s sexcapades kept her up all night. Monica offers her a place of lodging for the night so Phoebe isn’t scarred for life.

Joey and Chandler present Ross with hockey tickets to a Rangers vs. Penguins game (Go Penguins!), which makes Ross realize what day it is: October 20th. On October, Ross was not asked what day it was; no, he and Carol slept together for the first time on October 20th. He remembers the day the same way in which one remembers his/hers/their deceased relative(s): with a lot of nostalgia and mourning. This little detail almost prevents him from attending the hockey game, but fear not, he decides to go anyway.

Rachel receives her first paycheck—Phoebe’s first paycheck involved a mine failure (although apparently her first job was at a Dairy Queen, so explain that one)—and, poor little innocent bird is now being introduced to the world of taxes. All of her friends keep sugar coating how bad it is—they proceed to give her very large tips. I wish people would treat Rachel better.

Rachel’s friends from when she was rich show up. They are very snooty. Monica, Phoebe, and I do not like them.

Ross, meanwhile, is still mourning his physical relationship with Carol. (Please make it stop, I’m begging you.) Everything reminds him of her. They had nectarines. She never took her boots off. He—omg!—walked her to the bus stop.

Back over to Rachel and the Snoots: The biggest news in Rachel’s old circle is still how she jilted Barry (Again, can we all stop holding on to past relationships?) They want to know when she’s returning to her formerly charmed life, and poor Rachel feels the need to validate her existence as a waitress to them. (There is nothing wrong with being a waitress or trying to figure out the life you want. Stupid Snoots.)

When you’re feeling down about life and in the midst of having an existential crisis, what do you do? Why, you have Tiki Death Punch with your friends, of course. Or, at least that’s what Rachel immediately does when she gets home from hanging out with the Snoots. Also, the Visa card people called—Rachel is having a day.

Switching channels to the guys and their hockey game: It was apparently the first frost when Ross and Carol did it.

Tiki Death Punch: Rachel is having a very hard time—life’s “floopy.” She feels unmoored. I feel her feels.

Hockey Game: Ross gets socked in the face with the hockey puck. I am eternally grateful to that puck. His friends—the good samaritans they are—take him to the ER. The ER nurse is one tough cookie.

Tiki Death Punch: Now they are all freaking out about their futures. I really relate to this. Phoebe doesn’t even have a “pla,” let alone a plan. Enter the saving grace of PIZZA.

The saving grace of PIZZA is too good to be true, because, apparently, their pizza went to G. Stephanopoulos. It’s the guy across the street. He was wearing a towel; Monica’s ovaries exploded. They are now spying on G. Stephanopoulos. Good to know voyeurism was on trend in 1994.

Hockey game: Chandler—I still love you—is trying to sweet talk the nurse.

Tiki Death Punch: The girls have now moved to the roof to continue their spying on him. They speculate about what George is like. George is his name, by the way.

Hockey game: Chandler—“The moon, the glow”—is starting to become fed up with Ross. Joey is trying to knock some reality into Ross. Chandler is now going off on Ross and his pathetic life. Apparently, Ross’ first time with Carol was his first time…ever. No wonder it was so memorable. He’s only ever slept with one person.

Tiki Death Game: The girls are bombed. Monica made Phoebe eat goose, even though she’s a vegetarian. Phoebe slept with Jason, one of Monica’s ex-boyfriends. Rachel loses the pillow. Rachel also left a fake valentine in Monica’s locker.

Rachel: “She was big girl.”

They want George to drop the towel. When he does, they all go: “Wow.” I guess G. is pretty wow.

Hockey game: Ross finally receives medical attention for his face. Chandler thinks he resembles Hannibal Lecter, and comes up with the amazing line: “Oh I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs?” Ross fights with a kid over the puck that hit him in the face, and in the ensuing scuffle, it hits the ER nurse in the face.

Back at the apartment: The lost pillow is returned to the gang. They are playing twister. Ross looks like a dunce. Visa card people call back. Rachel realizes the true value of friendship.

Update: Ross and Rachel are no closer to getting together, and at this point, I’ll probably meet a dinosaur before they get together.

’Til next time, my friends.